Super White Trash Fighter II- An Morality Tale in Two Parts
Part One: Dreams Torn Asunder
“This . . . is . . . too . . . good,” gushed a voice through morsels of food. Static filled the screen as the once golden brown skinned hand now a pale white hand lifted the simple remote. A still well manicured hand pressed a rubber button: the static was replaced by a news story. Putting down the spoon, the female sighed as the urge happened again. “Oh not again! Why do I have to be so trashy?” annoyingly questioned the young adult.
It was a question that Courtney, former star of Television’s Total Drama Series, asked often lately. As her hand now reached to scratch her stretch marks from her growing waist, she struggled in two different ways. Inside, a small voice screamed for her to restrain herself that it was not proper for a lady to scratch herself even while pregnant. Another one louder more booming said it was the only way.
As the internal struggle was being lost by the more mellow voice, Courtney’s arm struggled to get to her front where several red lines had formed on her taut skin. “Oh come on, Courtney, you have self control,” she said. Various cartons of ice cream and candy wrappers flung around argued differently. Then again, it would have been easier for the soon to be young mother of three if she just put down the bowl of goodies in her other hand to help balance herself in the pink chair that she sat in.
At one point, it had been in Courtney’s room along with a cute pink ottoman that now had a stain of what appeared to be double chocolate mocha ice cream. She’d probably ask Duncan to clean it up when he got home from job hunting. But regardless, it seemed that the poor pink ottoman that had several pillows plopped down on it had seen better more bountiful days unlike its owner who was now the model of a bountiful fertility goddess. At one point, it had sat in a nice two story house, and it had been where Courtney sitting on it had first plotted her campaign to win student body president. That failed due to her exposure on the Total Drama Series.
That was long gone. Along with dreams of scholarships and higher education, Courtney after graduating from High School had gotten pregnant after a wild reunion show for the original cast of the Total Drama series thanks to Alcohol and Duncan’s eyes. But finally putting down her bowl on a puke green metal card table with a foamy rubber top, she finally gave into temptation and scratched.
It felt divine to the former girl who was in control. Then finally her blues eyes turned away from the mountain of flesh erupting from her abdomen to the television. The newscaster was finishing up a report on the ongoing civil war to the south. “And victory for forces from the Republic of . . .,” the newscaster was cut off by something. It sounded like hail hitting the aluminum siding of the trailer that she shared with her husband, Duncan. After getting her knocked up, they married at the Temple of Love. It was cheap and unfortunately trashy as well.
But that was like everything else that was currently in their home cheap. The television was a cheap little tube television only about thirteen inches. It had faux wood siding and was plugged into a decoder that also served as a DVD player, but it was at least dependable. Duncan had yet to find work, and the money that Duncan’s parents had given them was running out. Her own parents had yet to seek reconciliation.
Scoffing at the idea of reconciling with her parents who had thrown their daughter and her unborn children to the streets, Courtney wondered when her dress would be clean. The whopping sound from the dryer was only mildly maddening now, so it was still an hour away. “It least you won’t get me dirty like the ice cream,” she said looking at the bowl her brown bangs falling against her face again. They needed a trim.
That was when she heard the entertainment news come on. A redheaded female wearing a flattering dress stood there. Courtney picked up the bowl and started to stuff bites of the mixture into her mouth. “And it appears another female member of the cast of Total Drama Series was spotted pregnant. Gwen . . .,” the television was interrupted again by the sound of that banging. Courtney wondered what it could be, but a kick to her side by one of her babies convinced her to go back to eating from the salad bowl and listening to the television.
“When first appearing at the exclusive Club 76 in Downtown Ontario, Gwen was believed to just be really fat. But later confirmation from the artist’s public relations firm confirmed that the college student and art sensation was five month pregnant with quintuplets. No father has been given at this time, but according to one source, it is not hopefully Cody . . .,” the television’s sound dissipated by the sound of that banging.
Courtney was about to investigate when she saw something on her spoon of lucky charms including a green clover, several chocolate bonbons, and gummy bears. It was a green gummy bear. “Yucky,” she exclaimed, “I thought that I got rid of all of you slimy mucus things.” Carefully as put down the bowl, she picked up the green disgusting gummy bear pinching it with her two of her fingers. Finally, she flung it at across the room. It hit a picture of the casemates from Total Drama landing on specifically on a picture of the host, Chris. Somehow, it slithered down just as much as he did on the show.
Grossed out by the green jelly like gummy bear, she wished that she could afford harder more firm gummy bears like the ones from Harbro. Unfortunately, she and her children had to settle for some store brand gummy that felt and tasted like aging molded jelly. However, she had to live with it.
But soon, she knew that her Duncan would walk through the door smiling. Of course, she will have cleaned up the trailer as well. His firm mohawk reflected mainly light as he explained his new job at the bank as a Vice-President. “Wait, that isn’t going to happen,” she concluded as reason crushed another dream.
Then the television shifted to her favorite program as of late. It was called the Young and the Fruitful. A typical soap opera where women plotted against other women by having sexual escapes with each others’ husbands, but the difference was at least one actress was always pregnant with someone else’s husband’s baby. “And watch carefully, Rebecca Chamberlin reveals the father of her baby today,” announced the television.
Courtney sat transfixed. Her hand with spoon just went automatically from the large bowl swimming with milk and candy goodies to carry the morsels to her mouth. The other one somehow weaseled itself snaky to her front and began to scratch. The unborn children inside of her even seemed to know not to bother mother at this moment. But as she sat transfixed, a voice in the back of her head said words like office and achievement.
Those two words meant a lot to the younger Courtney. Her parents often wondered if her lose in the Total Drama series had driven her to this state. Everything that Courtney had ever wanted, she achieved till that moment when a vile nerd with barely a body mass index had stolen her win and glory. Even if she had finished first in her class in High School, she had not lived it down that she had failed on Total Drama Island and Total Drama Action. College Admission Deans laughed at her when she interviewed. And then she got pregnant. She couldn’t show her face any longer; her dreams were torn asunder. However in another way even as her lawsuit against Fresh TV reached its second year in the courts, she had new dreams for her unborn children. One would be a Member of Parliament. One would be a musician playing the violin that she had kept. And her favorite would beat Chris McLean within an inch of his life. She chuckled about that one often.
But as Courtney squinted at the screen, Rebecca waddled across trying to escape her husband Anton Chamberlin. Finally catching her breath, Rebecca turned to face Anton as Courtney continued to chew. “Anton,” bellowed Rebecca. Anton gripped her hard. His ruined jacket and pants indicating that he was angry fluttered in the breeze. “Surprised to see your husband, my dear beloved after you tried to have me thrown from a truck. And if not for a herd of rabbits that broke my fall, I would be dead.” Courtney could not turn away from the drama. The little voice kept telling her that this wasn’t right. That she and her children were meant for better things than this, but the other voice of comfort that was louder screamed that it was better for her to forget dreams that were never going to come true.
But Courtney’s ambition wished that she would at least put on a dress. Surely, they could have some dignity. The other voice simply spoke of the heat, and how she was more comfortable without it. Courtney ignored both as she listened intently to the story.
Rebecca spoke up to Anton. “This is your baby!” Anton struck her with a slap. “Liar!” Rebecca fell to ground clutching her stomach. “You told me that you were eight months pregnant. You are only seven and a half, foul succubus!” Rebecca reached for her husband. “But you must believe me: this is your child.”
Their mansion shook from lighting outside it. “Maybe a child of lies, but seven and half months ago, I was suffering from triple dumdum fever and near death. It was only through the loving care of Doctor Tabitha Goodbody that is now carrying my twins that I survived.”  
Courtney cooed as a small burp erupted out of her. Trying to ignore the bodily function, she focused as the story reached its climax. Rebecca getting herself up backed away from her husband. “That skank! She said that she was just getting fat. I should have known that something was up when she was so radiant, but this town of Mother Cove has so many pregnant women. I should have known that it was pregnancy.”
Anton looked at his wife. “That does not excuse you, whore.  Who did you sleep with?” Courtney listened carefully. She even put down the bowl of milky candy goodies as she pushed herself forward pushing her stomach onto her legs. With gasping breath she wondered what would happen next. Rebecca looked at Anton. “I’m carrying your Uncle Tobias Fu . . . .” There was no continuation of the event a small blip of light circled up as the power disappeared.  The tumbling of the dryer stopped meaning that her less than flattering moo-moos that she got from a church rummage bin were still wet.
Courtney was shell-shocked. Then the small voice just laughed. Inside her mind a higher pitched version of her own voice merely said, “What comfort? There is no comfort without discipline. And you have given up on everything for a chaotic hooligan. You’ve descended into the realm of fat white trash. You should have listened to me that night.”
But even now Courtney was just mouthing. “Tobias Fu! Who the heck is Tobias Fu! And what happened to the freaking power?” Suddenly a lioness reborn, Courtney somehow jumped up to her feet. Anger fueling her, she waddled away from her chair even as her small skirt started to slid down her legs. Finally as cartons of ice cream broke in her wake, her head focused on what she feared. “Damn you Duncan. I told you to pay the power bill yesterday!” Then she felt something slimy on her foot. Little did Courtney know that it was the green gummy bear that she had flung across the room.
Quickly as the crunching of wrappings from candy bars occurred, Courtney got to the sink to discover that there was no water coming out as well. “I told Duncan to pay the water bill that dip,” she stammered. Anger restoring some of the former color to her face, she steadied herself with one of her arms. Considering that she was wearing a shirt that formally covered her whole upper body as a bra to hold up her breasts that would make even Lindsey the twit envious, she wondered what she would do. Could she make it to the grocery store to pay the bills?
But then there was that banging sound again. And finally, Courtney even as her skirt slid further down revealing her red panties went to the door to find out what it was. She opened it and much to her surprise there was her husband. Not out looking for work, but instead he was drinking beer. His grey suit and freshly pressed shirt some feet away sitting on the grass. His hand clutched around a beer can as he drank it without a care in the world.  She stood there barefoot and pregnant looking at him with shock.
“Hey Princess, your panties are showing,” he said oozing with confidence.  She just couldn’t believe it. “What about my stories?” she bellowed. He laughed. “I’d be more worried about the fact that I can see London and Courtney’s underpants. Am I right boys?” Sitting next to him was Juan a slime ball and some other loser named Jonesy.
“Yeah if my wife was ever caught barefoot and pregnant, she’d probably kill me,” said Jonesy. Courtney really wanted to kill someone at the moment. “Why didn’t you pay the electric and water bill?” she asked trying to control her anger as one of her hands gasped at something to hold her skirt up. “Well Babe, no money. And if you’ve seen the economy lately, it is stinking like Juan’s wife. And if the Jonesman would agree, Juan’s wife stinks like a several day old burrito.”
Courtney hand that lay on her stomach was going from a claw to a fist. “Yeah, it’s worst than the time my stepsister ate too much turkey and barfed in the toilet.” Courtney had it. “GO AWAY!” she screamed at both Jonesy and Juan. “But I was about to protest their accusation. My wife smells like a . . . ,” Courtney cut Juan off.
“Your wife smells like day old bread and rancid beer. Go away before I throw you back to your trailer, so you can get a good whiff of her.” Juan then speed back to his trailer. Most of the trailer park was now looking at Courtney yellowing at a quite mellow Duncan. It was at this point that Jonesy slinked in and took the beer back to his apartment.
“Babe, you really should get one of those dresses on. The neighbors are watching,” he tried to plead. “I can’t because I’m a huge pig who spills everything on ugly clothes that she got by stealing from the donation bin at a church. And why shouldn’t they see me aren’t I beautiful even though I’ve become a behemoth gorging herself on ice cream for your children.”
Duncan looked around for his suit that now was spread across several places on the ground behind his lawn chair. He got up to pick up his coat jacket off of a wild flower. “Do you want me to go out there and waste time looking for work?” She didn’t cry nor did she immediately answer. “I need an answer, Court; contrary to popular opinion, I’m not a mind reader.”
Courtney’s answer was to slam the door in Duncan’s face. Then he watched as the trailer seemed to shack and creak as his wife walked around it.  He looked around at the various neighbors. Jonesy’s wife was laughing with her own gravid belly shaking with each deep laugh.
Then the door slowly opened when suddenly Duncan was pushed to the ground as he caught their television. “AND WHERE IS MY HIGH DEFINITION FORTY INCH TELEVISION THAT SITS ON THE WALL, DUNCAN!” After a minute, Courtney got a second wind. Then a second scream erupted from her. “I PUT MY DREAMS AND THE FUTURE OF OUR CHILDREN IN YOUR HANDS. I’M GLAD THAT MOTHER WAS RIGHT ABOUT SOMETHING. SHE SAID THAT YOU”D ALWAYS BE A TOTAL LOSER!”
She slammed the door this time with her foot. A small green gummy bear smacked Duncan in the face, but it also resulted in him tumbling backwards onto the lawn chair. For a moment he wanted to break down the door, but then he heard crying. A loud wail followed by several tears that repeated in a cycle.
Wafting on the wind, Duncan heard the chatter especially the snorting from Jonesy and his wife. “At least I can find work even if I don’t last at the job more than a day.” His wife snorted. “That’s for sure, but at least I’m still a bread winner at the moment.”
Duncan’s anger disappeared. He remembered how he had ended up in juvie.  Most people thought that it was something horrible that he had done, but it was actually quite noble. Below the surface of Duncan was a good man. And right now, the good man had to do something to make up for this all even as he was being laughed at.
Looking at the trailer, Duncan shook his head and looked down at the ground. “It’s time that I called someone.”

Part II: Where Dreams Are Remade!
Duncan even though he was a bit of a punk tried to do what was right. At the moment, he had put back on the grey suit that he wore out the door when Jonesy had been there waiting with cold beer. It had been an easy decision that morning when he threw off his suit to set in his boxers and just drink beer with Jonesy and Juan.
But at the time, Duncan feared something. It was the nagging about his record with the most heartless and vile creatures in the world: Human Resources. If there are two misplaced words in the English language, it was those two words. As much as Duncan could figure they were barely human, and at the same time, they had the relationship skills of amoebas. Then again, he was also sure from the sheer size of most of the HR employees that he had met over the last several months that there might be truth to them being amoebas.
But at the moment as Duncan used his boot to scratch off some grass from his pants, he was standing at the ratty payphone. There were several flyers including one with a picture of a dog and a tabloid with a picture of a pregnant girl with a monster. For a moment, he thought it was Izzy. Though the weirdest flyer had what appeared to be a picture of Ezekiel with a number on it. Squinting, he thought he saw the name, Eva, as well. It could have just been the alcohol speaking though.
Tapping his fingers on the wooden pole, Duncan finally heard a voice. “Sir, they have accepted the charge. Putting you through right now.” Finally, Duncan heard another voice. “Dude, how are you doing?” asked Geoff. “Not good, Bro. I forgot to pay the bills this month, and as you know, Court’s pregnant and irritable.”
There was a sigh on the other line. “Duncan dude, I like you as a friend, but I can’t just give you money again. Staring up this surf school on Sunset Island is expensive especially against those big chain hotels, but we are getting there. However, we have to watch our cash as well what with Brig’s condition.”
Duncan was a bit shocked. “Dude, you mean.” Geoff the laid back urban cowboy answered with a simple. “Yep.” The former delinquent said his congratulations. “Well, I’d send you a cigar, but I really can’t afford the stamp at the moment.”
Geoff answered back with his usual laissez-faire attitude. “Yeah, I understand, but have you considered using the final resort.” Gulping for a moment, Duncan thought. “After he hit it big, didn’t you say you were going to use it for college money?” Geoff laughed. “Too busy at the moment to go, and I get to party without having to spend that type of mullah. So, I give you permission to use the photo. And I’m sure D.J. will approve especially since he complains about that guy already. You should call him up since he is in Ontario as well.”   
Duncan suddenly had a grin on his face as he pulled out his trusty knife and carved a number into the flyer with Ezekiel on it. “This is so going to work.”

Several moments later, Duncan was outside the door of Jonesy’s trailer. He knocked without an answer. After several minutes of listening to screams of who should answer the door, it opened to reveal a quite pregnant young woman with purple hair and Asian features. Her spaghetti t-shirt looked strained trying to contain her vast pregnant stomach and breast. All Duncan could think was that Court looked small compared to her. “So, it’s the deadbeat who drank beer all day with my deadbeat of a husband. Wifey kick you out?” asked the former Miss Wong emotionless as ever. Duncan’s first impulse was to ask what village that Nikki Garcia ate out of existence, but he decided to instead put on his charm. “Actually, I probably deserve it, but I need to see you husband about borrowing that hog that he talks about.”
Nikki gave him a puzzled look as she scratched her ample belly. Then she laughed. “Oh my word, he told you it was a hog. Personally, I’ll let you ride it just because I’ll get a good chuckle out of it.” Duncan worried for a moment as suddenly Jonesy seemed to stick his head through a corner of the door. “It is so a hog.” Nikki merely gave him a look. Slinking away, he didn’t bother her again. “So, you wear the pants in the household. You go girl.”
Nikki smiled. “Well, you have to understand how to control him. But I make the money, so I get to choice what he does. And tomorrow, he is going to get a job that lasts might I add, but yeah, I’ll let you ride his ‘manly hog’ because I need a good laugh.” Duncan didn’t answer immediately, but at the moment, he had a lack of transportation. It had to be this, and time was of the essence especially considering how hot it was. “Fine, but if you could do me a favor, I need you to see if you can coax my wife Courtney out of our trailer since I have to ride Jonesy’s bike across town.”
The Chinese girl nodded. “Deal, but if you make any money, I might charge you for anything that I do.” Duncan nodded. As Nikki cocked her head, she screamed for her husband. “Hey Jonesy, get out her with those keys for that Vespa.”
Jonesy emerged several moments later with what appeared to be a keychain with what appeared to be a unicorn attached to it. “Yes, my sweet fortune cookie.” Nikki holding her stomach looked at her husband. “Ok, I need you to go show Duncan here your quite ‘manly hog.’ And if you don’t I’ll make you rub my toes as I watch the Dawgtoy DVD that I got today.”
“Yes, my sweet sweet mother of my children,” said Jonesy. He led Duncan out to a shed behind the small trailer. Nikki bellowed to her husband. “And don’t forget it!” Jonesy cringed as he started to move the Vespa from the small shed. Duncan just couldn’t contain himself. “I can’t believe it. It’s so pink.”
In fact, it was mostly pink with red trimming plus oh so sweet light blue handle bars. Various stickers of unicorns, puppy dogs, and happy faces covered it as well. In short, it was as if the ideal girly thing had appeared from the perfect realm spoken of by Philosophers. “Oh, but look what I did to rover.”
Duncan squinted. He looked at what appeared to be a cute puppy dog. Jagged triangles lines over his mouth appeared to just be scribble work. In fact, the tooth smile made it in fact cuter. Jonesy then stood up pumping his chest. “That’s right Jonesy Garcia is a man of art.” Duncan rolled his eyes. “Whatever just give me those keys.”
Snatching the keys as Jonesy thought highly of himself, Duncan was grateful that he still had a minor buzz from the beer. Or else, he’d probably think too much about riding the damn cute thing. Turning the key on, he revved it up. “But don’t you want to hear how I got this Vespa.” Duncan looked at Jonesy. “No, I could care less if somehow God dropped from Heaven and presented this to you as punishment for being too unmanly.” And then kicking the stand up, Duncan rode out on a bike with a license plate that read, “CaitLyn1.”
Jonesy tried to stop him, but as Duncan rode away, Jonesy thrust a cute pink helmet in the air. “Wait dude, you might need a helmet.” Then Jonesy heard snickering from his trailer, his wife snorting while carrying what appeared to be clothes.

Courtney hated this feeling. It was the same feeling that she had felt every day since losing Total Drama Island. This feeling of utter shame seemed to overwhelm her as she cried. That and the heat that enveloped her.  At the moment, she was sweating like a pig. Ok, she was sweating and panting like a pregnant pig and expectant dog.
That was when she heard a knock at the door. Getting up, she really didn’t want to face anyone especially since her stomach was more of island covered in sweat while she was sitting. Every step, Courtney had droplets of water come off of her. “Damn Duncan forgetting to pay the power bill. No stories or air conditioning,” she stammered.
Courtney creaked open the door. Little bits of heat passing through the door whooshed away. There was a girl there who appeared to be highly pregnant carrying clothes in her hand. “I don’t want any clothes,” squeaked Courtney trying to conceal her tears. Then the other girl burst through the door. “Glad, we agree, but girl, you need some new clothes the barefoot and pregnant look went out in the fifties. And they keep giving me this stuff at work that I have no use for.”
Courtney looked at the girl who appeared to be carrying at least five children. The former honor roll princess had been told due to her three babies not to exert herself, so she had spent the past two months just vegging out to soap operas and entertainment news. However, here was this girl who worked and looked larger than she. It made her feel angry at herself.
“Yeah, the Khaki Barn Clones think that I’m the perfect in store mannequin for the new maternity line. Personally, I wear my old clothes since they were so baggy and still fit. Though I might have to start my ninth month in a moo-moo. Actually, I look forward to it; I want the Clones to freak.” Nikki said as she threw the green maternity khakis pants along with a pink pleated baby doll blouse at Courtney. Scrambling, she caught the ensemble. The khakis even had an elastic waist. “But I don’t deserve this,” said Courtney. “I can’t even pay you.”
Nikki laughed. “Well, your husband gave me adequate payment when he rode off on my husband’s ‘manly’ hog.’” Courtney suddenly felt worry. She stepped forward, but her skirt fell down again. “But but. . .” she stammered before looking down. What she saw was her pasty stomach, but she felt her skirt now around her knees.
“Go change, Duncan seems like the type who probably drinks beers to tell how far he is from home without every hitting anyone. Though I’d still never let him do that too often. But if you want to pay me, it would simply be a pleasure to have you dine with me on pizza tonight. Jonesy passes out when I finish off the first one, and to think that I’m carrying his two large children in my womb,” said Nikki starting to feel the heat of the trailer.
“Wait you are only carrying two babies?” Courtney gasped. Nikki nodded and then pushed her into the bedroom. “Now change, this place is a bit warm.”

Discmaster Hardy Old Pirate Ninja Assassin stood aghast as he saw his mortal enemy standing there. “And what are you doing here, Duncan? It seems my guards have failed me again. But alas not everyone can have my bad ninja pirate skills.”
Duncan rolled his eyes. “Oh getting past your guards was really easy, Harold. Especially when you have a hook,” Duncan said. Suddenly one of Duncan’s hands was replaced with a hook. Harold even in his strange costume that consisted of a Michael Jackson costume with discs lining it along with an eye patch over one eye and what appeared to be a katana on his back cringed. “Same old bean pole.”
“Gosh, am not,” said Harold. Duncan plopped down in one of the leathery office chair. “Yeah, you are. I doubt you even realized that DJ was working for you because he used his full name on the application as one of your guards.” Suddenly Harold moved his orange tinted red haired head down as he tried to figure out which of his guards was DJ. “No . . . I knew due to my mad pirate ninja skillz that all the ladies like. It’s Dustin Jacobs, right?”
Duncan rolled his eyes. “Yeah that’s why Dawgtoy is still more popular than your manmade record scratches. You have a memory like a clogged drain.” Harold smiled. Duncan shook his head “Honestly of all the things spinning off of Total Drama, I really am shocked that you and those strange sounds are so popular.”
Harold laughed. “Of course, the kids know what’s cool. They know the wonder of Discmaster Hardy Old Pirate Ninja Assassin when he raises the roof with nunchucks.” Suddenly Harold pulled out some of those particular weapons made famous by mutant teenager turtles which didn’t impress Duncan at the least. Closing in on Duncan, Harold was about to strike him with the spinning metal bar when Duncan who had been scoffing his nails merely said a simply phrase. “Boo.”
That was when Harold clocked himself instead in the eye that was covered by the patch. “Oh gosh, I think I’m blind. “ Duncan got up and removed the eye patch. “I can see,” screamed Harold in excitement. Then Duncan pulled up the man with mad skillz up.
“Ok, first off I’m a better guard than the rest of your thirteen boy scouts put together except for DJ. Even though he is a coward, he has a thousand percent more courage than the rest of those pansies. Secondly, I have a little secret that I’ve kept secret about you from back on the island that even your brain-dead fans would find disgusting.” Harold thought for a moment. “You already humiliated me on Total Drama with your lies. What could you have on me?”
Duncan leaned in close and spoke in whispers to Harold. The so-called musician’s eyes shot open as he realized what Duncan meant. “That would ruin me. And half the fine ladies of the world would commit seppuku over the horror of finding out that horrible private secret. You can’t reveal that to the world: think of the ladies.”
For a moment, Duncan smiled. “Well then I have two requests, I want a job as a guard that gets paid twenty thousand a month. And secondly, I need a ten thousand signing bonus tonight.” Harold thought for a moment. “Why would they believe you?”
Duncan smiled. “Because I have photos.” Out of suit jacket, Harold’s eternal bully produced a photo that made Harold go white with fear. “You make a good point. Do you take check or cash? My lawyer will have the contract ready in an hour. I will call him immediately.” Duncan smiled.

Several boxes of pizza and cartons of ice cream were being devoured by the two pregnant late teens. Nikki who had discovered Courtney’s moo-moos had suggested a trade. All the maternity clothes that the Khaki Barn gave her for free for the moo-moos seemed like a reasonable trade to Courtney. Feeling better in fitting clothes, she enjoyed eating pizza with ice cream. Nikki’s husband was currently sick in the bathroom.
“Watch this,” said Nikki. She took a slice of pizza reversed it and scooped up some double mocha swirl in a ball on it. Melting into the cheesy pizza covered with ham and asparagus, Nikki curled the slice into a ball around the ice cream. Then she took a bite and as a bit of brownish ice cream slithered off to hit Nikki’s new white and blue stripped moo-moo. “Oh, that looks great,” said Courtney. She did the same only with a slice of pepperoni, pineapple, and sardine pizza with some strawberry ice cream. Courtney took careful bite not to drip anything onto her new pink blouse.
“See, this is fun. And I have to admit, I’m enjoying the moo-moo,” said Nikki. Courtney smiled but her mind turned back to worries about husband leaving her for a thin wispy girl like Heather. “Now where did you say Duncan was going?”
Nikki shrugged. “He didn’t say, but since he was willing to ride a pink Vespa, I doubt that he was going too far.” Then Nikki released a loud burp. Courtney snorted and gave a small mousy burp after a moment. “Geez girl, let loose a bit.” Courtney smiled. “I’ve let myself be a little too loose as of late. When Duncan gets back, there are going to be some changes.”
Then the door opened. Duncan’s sleeves were rolled up with his tie loosened. “Of course there are, Babe. And I’ve already started. By the way, I’m digging the clothes. But I don’t know if I can afford them yet.” Then he felt revulsion when he saw a particular moo-moo. “Oh my God, why are wearing that?”
Nikki laughed. “Now that’s what I like to see. Oh the Clones are going to be so disgusted by this thing,” she said. Then she added. “I might even wear this with the stain. Thank you, corporate policy forbidding the termination of pregnant staff on any grounds.” She pulled it out in all of its tacky and loose glory.
Duncan shrugged. “Here have a thousand dollar bill on me then.” Courtney looked at him. “Where did you get that . . ,” she then started to tear up as she got up, “. . . I can’t have my husband go to jail.” Duncan laughed. “I didn’t rob a bank. I just went to a mutual friend who most people know as Discmaster Obi-Wan Space Slug or something like that.”
Courtney looked at him with a disgusted look. “You went to Harold? I think I’d rather that you had gone and robbed a bank.” Duncan laughed. “Well after showing him that his current guards were just a bunch of toddlers parading around as men, I took over as head of security for him. And to guarantee my services, I have an ironclad contract.  Twenty thousand a month plus an advance of ten thousand and a few benefits make this a pretty sweet deal.”
Intrigued, Courtney asked the big question. “What type of benefits?” Duncan smiled. “I know how you want a house for the kids. It turns out Harold’s chief of security gets a house of his own nearby that dork’s mansion. If you really can call something that looks like a Pirate ship crashed into some Japanese temple or something a mansion. Luckily, the dork has it surrounded by trees, so I figure that the kids won’t be too scarred of it.”
Then Courtney cried as she hugged her husband. “You made a dream come true, Duncan.” Between her stomach and noted grip, Duncan was a bit crushed by his wife’s show of affection along with her stomach that held his children. “Babe, let go.   . . . I still have one more thing to show you.”
He opened the door to reveal two men from an electronic store pulling out a fifty inch flat panel plasma television. Courtney went a bit limp, but Duncan held on to her. “But how could you afford that?” Duncan laughed. “It was a floor model. Got a great deal on it. Nothing is too good for my Princess.”
This time Duncan hugged his wife. Nikki sniffled a bit, and Jonesy who had gotten over his stomach element held his wife even though she willing wore a horrible looking moo-moo just to disgust people. There were birds chirping. The moon was in full force. Love seemed to have triumphed as Duncan moved into kiss his bride.
Then he smelled her breath. “What the hell died in your throat?” Courtney slapped him. Nikki shook her head. “The nerve!” said the pregnant individualist who went back in to scarf some more pizza since she was still hungry. Duncan shook his head. “Jeez, it was a reasonable question.”
Courtney fuming angry then went back to eat some more pizza with some more ice cream. While the two were eating more pizza, Jonesy stole a more normal pizza from the ravenous appetites of their pregnant wives. “You know we could watch some hockey while those two eat in the way that only a starving hippo can.”
Duncan laughed. “Well, this day turned out okay in the end even if I had to ride the most girly thing ever.” Walking over to his trailer where his television was being installed, Jonesy followed with the regular pizza screaming about how that Vespa was perfectly fine. “Oh come on, it’s not like fairy dust comes out of it.”
In fact, it did have the option to do that. Jonesy just didn’t know how to refill it.

The Moral
And ultimately the moral of this tale is don’t tell a woman especially if they are pregnant that their breath smells like brimstone. Wait that’s a complete stupid moral! What does it have to do with anything in the beginning? I’m sure that Socrates has some suggestions about what to do.
He doesn’t it. Well, I guess the real moral is never let yourself go down the tube even if the world is totally against you. Always strive to do better even in the face of adversity. For tomorrow is always another day, and no one knows what opportunities may come around to use blackmail to get a well paying job with fringe benefits.
That’s the ticket. Or maybe love is the only dream worth fighting for. No, it is definitely the blackmail one. Night folks, this has been Chris McLean’s story time!